5. I Respect Your Spouse/Parents

A woman once wrote, “My husband doesn’t want me to homeschool my kids. Instead, he’d rather me send them to public school where their faith will be destroyed, and I’ll lose their hearts. What should I do?” Besides being a ‘loaded’ question, this one (and dozens just like it) puts me in an untenable position. If I were to answer, I would be faced with two possibilities. I could agree with this woman, or I could agree with her husband. In turn, each of my possible responses would leave the women with two possible choices. Ultimately, the woman would have to decide whether she agreed with my assessment. Then, she’d have to decide what to do about it. In either case, she would be wrong.

For instance, if I said, “I agree with you, ma’am. You should stand up for home education,” the woman’s problem would not be solved. If she went back to her husband and stood her ground, she would be submitting to me and not him. If she simply held on to the information (simply happy to have me agree with her), she would have introduced a source of discontentment into her marriage unnecessarily.

On the other hand, if I said, “You should submit to your husband,” and she did so (based on my recommendation), her submission to him would be based on my say-so, and therefore, would not be biblical submission at all. If she was dissatisfied with my response, she would have to go on writing emails until she found someone who agreed with her so she could go back to scenario #1 and do what she wanted to do all along (as evidenced by the loaded question).

In other words, this question is wrong from the start. Who am I to tell a woman when and how she should submit to her husband. I have preached on the pertinent biblical texts. I have written on the subject, and I have been clear. However, when it comes to the day-to-day grind of walking in unity with one’s spouse, there are no easy outs. Moreover, this is another clear example of being asked to provide counsel with one-sided, unchallenged information.

My heart goes out to men and women alike who write with difficult marital situations. Anyone who has read or heard my teaching knows how passionate I am about marriage (which is probably why so many people write with marriage-related questions). Nevertheless, I have no intention of playing email umpire for marital strife. This is where I turn people back to their pastor (or a NANC, or CCEF counselor who can look them in the eye with an open Bible and work through their problems).

1. I Respect Your Pastor/Church

Some of the questions I receive involve personal disputes between individuals and their pastors. For instance, I have had people write or call asking, “If my pastor is starting to introduce ‘worldly’ music, what should I do?” Or my favorite, “My pastor is starting to teach Calvinism… what should I do (I always assume these were sent to the wrong email). The difficulty in this kind of question goes beyond reason #6. While Solomon’s words, “The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him,” (Proverbs 18:17) apply here as well as anywhere, there is another issue at hand. The Scriptures are clear as to the type of respect that should be given to those who shepherd God’s flock:

“We ask you, brothers, to respect those who labor among you and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, and to esteem them very highly in love because of their work. Be at peace among yourselves.” (1 Thessalonians 5:12–13)

“Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you.” (Hebrews 13:17)

I do not mean to suggest that pastors are beyond correction (On the contrary, GFBC disciplined, and eventually excommunicated one our founding pastors) However, when pastors are corrected, the Scriptures suggest both caution in raising the matter, and solemn, public rebuke for those persisting in sin (not the “forced resignation” with severance pay and confidentiality agreements common among us today):

“Let the elders who rule well be considered worthy of double honor, especially those who labor in preaching and teaching. For the Scripture says, “You shall not muzzle an ox when it treads out the grain,” and, “The laborer deserves his wages.” Do not admit a charge against an elder except on the evidence of two or three witnesses. As for those who persist in sin, rebuke them in the presence of all, so that the rest may stand in fear. In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus and of the elect angels I charge you to keep these rules without prejudging, doing nothing from partiality.” (1 Timothy 5:17–21)

As such, I am more than hesitant to 1) assume that an elder or pastor is worthy of rebuke because of a single, unsubstantiated charge made via email, or 2) encourage said rebuke as an outsider speaking to a member (or members) of the church who has already crossed the line by taking such a matter (especially when it involves preference, opinion, etc.) outside of the church.

If a person has a problem with their pastor, they must address that with him. If there is a need for an appeal to another authority, that must happen within the context of the church structure (i.e., the Session, Bishop, association, etc.). An answer from me would only complicate the matter (especially since I do not have all of the facts and lack any authority to act).

Remember, you chose to become a member of that church and submit yourself to it’s leaders. If you cannot do that, you should find another church. However, even that needs to happen in an appropriate, honest, biblical manner. The Second London Baptist Confession is a great example of the wise counsel passed down by those who wrestled with these issues long before us. In chapter XXVI on The Church, the authors address this issue better than I can:

12. As all Believers are bound to join themselves to particular Churches, when and where they have opportunity so to do; So all that are admitted unto the privileges of a Church, are also under the Censures and Government thereof, according to the Rule of Christ.

13. No Church-members upon any offense taken by them, having performed their Duty required of them towards the person they are offended at, ought to disturb any Church order, or absent themselves from the Assemblies of the Church, or Administration of any Ordinances, upon the account of such offense at any of their fellow-members; but to wait upon Christ, in the further proceeding of the Church.

14. As each Church, and all the Members of it are bound to pray continually, for the good and prosperity of all the Churches of Christ, in all places; and upon all occasions to further it (every one within the bounds of their places, and callings, in the Exercise of their Gifts and Graces) so the Churches (when planted by the providence of God so as they may enjoy opportunity and advantage for it) ought to hold communion amongst themselves for their peace, increase of love, and mutual edification.

15. In cases of difficulties or differences, either in point of Doctrine, or Administration; wherein either the Churches in general are concerned, or any one Church in their peace, union, and edification; or any member, or members, of any Church are injured, in or by any proceedings in censures not agreeable to truth, and order: it is according to the mind of Christ, that many Churches holding communion together, do by their messengers meet to consider, and give their advice, in or about that matter in difference, to be reported to all the Churches concerned; howbeit these messengers assembled are not entrusted with any Church-power properly so called; or with any jurisdiction over the Churches themselves, to exercise any censures either over any Churches, or Persons: or to impose their determination on the Churches, or Officers.

3. You Didn’t Ask Nicely

Not only do I sometimes get ‘scary’ messages; I also get ‘nasty’ ones. I’m not talking about the people who send death threats because they don’t like my “intolerance” on the homosexual marriage issue (go figure), or the people who think I’m going to hell because I believe there is validity to pursuing Bible translation post 1611 (no, Virginia, I’m not kidding). No, I’m talking about the people who write or call with a chip on their shoulder because they left their name and number (no message, no explanation, no phone etiquette) two days ago and I had the audacity not to “hop-to-it” and call them back. I’m talking about guy whose best friend’s cousin’s childhood pal lives fifty miles from our church and they can’t believe I’m not willing to drive down and perform my philosophical judo, share my message on “Why I Choose to Believe the Bible,” and win them to Christ.

In all seriousness, I am disinclined to answer questions from people who come across like they’ve put a quarter in a machine and are entitled to something in return. It seems the internet, aside from being a great tool for the free exchange of information, is also a tool that makes some people feel as though they know (and have some sort of claim on) anyone with a website and/or email address. As a result, people can be demanding, impatient, and downright rude. By God’s grace, those people have been the exception to the rule. Overwhelmingly, those of you who contact VBM are more than gracious… which makes it a lot easier to take a pass on the occasional (not-so-kind-person).

2. I Didn’t get your question

Email is an imprecise art. Sometimes people misspell my name, inadvertently add a word that gets bounced by a filter (often due to a misspelling), go to junk mail, or just get lost in cyberspace. In short, I don’t always get the questions people send. That’s one reason we’ve started using the question-of-the-month form (linked below).

1. I Don’t Have Time

While all of the aforementioned reasons serve as sufficient cause not to answer every phone call, letter, postcard and email, the number one reason is the simplest… I don’t have time. Ironically, almost every piece of correspondence I receive acknowledges, then quickly ignores this fact. Phone messages, emails and letters I receive always begin with the ominous phrase, “I know you are very busy… BUT” This is when I know I’m in trouble.

As a husband, father of six (three under three… four under six), first-generation homeschool dad, pastor/church planter, writer, and itinerant preacher, I have a rather full life. I find it difficult to carve out time to get to the gun range or the gym (both extremely important for my mental, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing), let alone offer personal discipleship, counseling, and just be an all around, “can I bounce some ideas off you” kind of guy for folks outside my own church.

It may also be helpful for people to know that VBM is not a large multi-national corporation. Besides my family and me, I have a couple of guys who pitch in to help me stay abreast of what’s going on in the world, and that’s about it. I don’t even have a secretary. That’s one of the many reasons you won’t be receiving any, “please donate money to help VBM make up for our annual budget shortfall” emails from us (by the way we are grateful for those of you who, in spite of the fact that we never ask, send support every now and again… it helps more than you know since we do not have a regular donor base to help take care of ministry expenses).

God, in his providence, has also seen fit to trust us with an even heavier burden lately. Three years ago, my wife, Bridget, was diagnosed with Lupus. And as if that wasn’t enough, the next few months brought diagnoses of advanced Osteoporosis, and Arthritis in the lower back (yes, this is extremely unusual for a young woman… especially a young black woman). Meanwhile, the Lord blessed us with three babies and a new church plant over the past three and a half years. God has used Bridget’s illness to cause us to be more aware of our dependence on him than we ever were before. As a result, we have all had to learn to slow down and prioritize. I’ve gained a renewed appreciation for the words no and enough. I’ve also reduced my number of travel days (down from 10 to 8 and moving toward 6 days per month), and learned to live with less sleep. We’ve all learned to pitch in a little more around the home, and to keep an eye on mama to make sure she eats right, exercises, takes her supplements and gets plenty of sleep (yes, Virginia, that means I get up at night with the baby).

Having said all of this, I make every effort to answer as many questions as I can (hence, the new Question of the Month feature). I recognize the fact that God is at work in the areas of advancing and reclaiming the true gospel of grace, an awakening in home discipleship/education, and church reformation (among other things), and that for whatever reason, he has chosen to allow me to play a small role. As a result, many people look to VBM for answers. And while we don’t have many (and quite frankly continue to be amazed that others would think we do), we want to give what we can. We want to be a part of what God is doing. As such, I’ll keep answering questions. I just hope you’ll understand if I don’t get to yours right away.

VB

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